***Disclaimer: This is only for humor. It is not intended to be taken seriously! Don't eat like this ever! Unless you want to way 8,000#!***
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming,"WOO HOO what a ride!"
2 comments:
1.)Yum rum balls - I used to always make every year starting two weeks before Thanksgiving - cuz the longer they sit the better they are.
2.)Yum eggnog. I splurged Sunday afternoon after shopping and stopped at that famous coffee spot and had the eggnog latte and it wasn't a skinny - but I did have them hold the whip cream . . . . I am on a diet after all.
3. I forgot what gravy taste like. But I do remember having it on rice and mashed potatoes.
4. My older sister makes mashed potatoes with real cream and cream cheese. Good thing she stayed home and didn't join us for Thanksgiving. (She wasn't being unsociable - just tired from being on the road for 9 weeks straight, plus her daughter is in college and wanted to go home.)
5. Hubby's company Christmas party next week. I do not plan on eating anything prior to going. What's the fun in being full before you go to a buffet and open bar?
6. I'm with you on the fruitcake. Yuck.
Very funny post. I laughed because I thought maybe you had seen me last year at a Christmas buffet party.
Speaking of gravy, when my mom made roast beef she would put the broth in the refrigerator until it cooled enough for the fat to come to the top. Then she'd scoop all of that off (or all that would come off) and make gravy from the defatted broth. It was really rich, a lot better than the gravy with all the fat, and of course with most of the fat gone it's a lot healthier too! I don't think it works as well with turkey or chicken because the fat doesn't congeal like beef fat does.
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